Remotely Plausible
by Starzki
Summary: Blend: Ten parts XFiles mythology with five parts Inuyasha mythology. Gently fold in: Miroku and Sango. Serves: Probably only me. Best enjoyed when garnished with crack. AU


Disclaimer: The characters and stories of _Inuyasha_ and _The X-Files_ belong to Rumiko Takahashi and Chris Carter, respectively.

Author's Note: I knew that this story was going to happen. It was only a matter of time. Just for clarification purposes, I consider this fic more of an Alternate Universe fic than I consider it a crossover. Basically, I took the general _X-Files_ premise and mythology and set it in the world of _Inuyasha_. I also mixed and matched, plopping the _Inuyasha_ characters into it. I tried to keep as much of their personalities and characterizations intact as possible (I didn't even change their clothes).

Mood Music: Mark Snow's "_X-Files_ Theme."

* * *

Remotely Plausible 

By Starzki

-x-

Sango shifted uncomfortably in the hard chair. She both envied and hated Miroku's ability to look so calm and composed under pressure. Every muscle in his body was relaxed and he had even managed to waggle his eyebrows suggestively at their boss's pretty secretary.

But Sango knew better: Miroku was just as nervous about being called in to task by their hard-ass boss, Assistant Director Sesshoumaru, as she was. Sango had been partnered with Miroku long enough to know that he would sooner take a vow of celibacy than do anything that would betray his cool exterior. Sango guessed that Miroku was expending a ton of energy in order to appear so nonchalant. However, he couldn't control his sweat glands and she watched as a nearly invisible bead of sweat rolled down the back of his neck.

Across the room, behind a huge oak desk that signified their boss's high ranking within the Bureau, the perky secretary chatted amicably on the phone.

"…No, I'm afraid he won't be taking any calls for the next hour or two."

"…No, it's just the one meeting with Agents Sango and Miroku, but I expect it to go quite long."

"…Yes."

"…Yes."

"…Yes, _the_ Dana Sango and _the_ Kitsune Miroku." The young brunette laughed and tried to lower her voice so that the two agents would have a harder time hearing her.

"…Oh, yes. It _is_ as bad as you've heard. In fact, it's probably worse."

"…No, I don't think I'll have an ambulance on standby. Do you think I should call one? A.D. Sesshoumaru _is_ very angry."

"…Okay."

"…Oh, yes. I have notified housekeeping. There will probably be furniture to requisition after this meeting, too, to replace what he breaks."

"…Oh, shoot. I'm out of those forms. I'll have to go get them from supply."

"…I'll call again later."

"…So yes, disregard any shouting you hear from this room."

"…Well, maybe you should spread the word to ignore any loud noises from this entire floor…"

As the secretary hung up, Sango frowned and sat up straighter, smoothing out the lines of her taijiya outfit and resetting the armor. She did not appreciate the pitying look the young woman gave as she passed the doomed pair, no doubt on her way to pick up a stack of furniture request forms.

Sango suppressed a huff. This was all Miroku's fault. If she had never been partnered with the rogue agent in a last-ditch effort to reel him in and give his bizarre but inarguably well-founded work some respectability, she would probably be running the Federal Bureau of Demonic Investigation by now. She rolled her eyes and cursed her bad luck.

After carefully watching the secretary's retreating form, Miroku finally summoned the decency to look mildly embarrassed. He gave Sango a sideways glance that was half apology and half charming charisma. It was the look that usually made Sango melt, causing her to forgive nearly every transgression her handsome partner made. Unfortunately for Miroku, at that moment, the look just made Sango angrier. She wasn't entirely sure that she would escape this meeting uninjured. Assistant Director Sesshoumaru was legendary in the Bureau for his temper and proclivity to throw heavy objects at agents who displeased him.

Sango was within a hair of throwing furniture at Miroku, herself. He looked so easy and cool as he slouched in the chair next to hers. Looking relaxed was not going to win them any points with their boss. Miroku's posture and demeanor made him appear completely unprofessional. Sango leaned over and tried to tighten the knot in Miroku's kesa and straighten the creases in his robes in order to make him appear more presentable.

Miroku finally let his annoyance and worry show, slapping away Sango's hands and retying the knot. "Would you stop that?" he griped.

"Look," snapped Sango, "The Assistant Director will probably go easier on you if he knows the extenuating circumstances. We know that whatever was that was out there last night had some strange effect on everyone. It had us in some kind of thrall. Essentially, we were drugged. Just keep reminding A.D. Sesshoumaru of that and he may be more inclined to overlook all of the other problems we had."

"Sango, just stop. I wasn't wrong about the _theory_. I just made a minor error in the timing and the full effect the phenomenon would have on witnesses."

"A minor error?" squeaked Sango. "A _minor_ error? Miroku? The Assistant Director lost all of his—"

"I know! Don't remind me," hissed Miroku, afraid his boss might hear their increasingly heated discussion through the thick door. "But I'm still sure that I'm right. Nothing else makes any sense! We're close to something; I can feel it. And, this time, it was your single-minded obsession for securing credible witnesses that got us into so much trouble with the A.D."

Sango sniffed dismissively, re-straightening her clothes for the fifth time since sitting down. She knew that Miroku was just spoiling for a fight, _their_ fight: their oldest and best-loved argument.

Unable to resist the temptation to debate him, Sango replied, "Miroku, we are special agents in the FBDI. We investigate demonic malfeasance. We use the time-honored methods of interviewing, evidence collecting, and case-building in order to prosecute demons who use their powers for evil."

Miroku shot Sango a much-practiced withering look but allowed her to say her piece. He loved this dispute. In reality, he loved each challenge that Sango presented him with every day, making him earn her trust and respect. She had grown in his eyes from a potential enemy planted to sabotage his work, to a mild annoyance with her demands for provable theories and logical evidence, to his best friend and the only person he trusted in the world. If forced to partner with someone else, he would probably decide to quit the Bureau, instead.

Sango continued, "While I deeply respect you passion, intelligence, and desire to uncover the truth; there have to be limits. You can't go traipsing off on your own and expect me to clean up the messes you make. No one is going to believe the wild theories and uncorroborated accounts like those you report if you don't follow the book just a little."

"Wild theories?" countered Miroku incredulously.

"Miroku, when you talk about alien abduction and colonization, you have to have evidence to back you up or else you just come off looking like a crazy person."

Miroku waived off her logical argument and refocused on the other part of her stinging accusation. "Uncorroborated accounts? But Sango, you've been there. You've seen the things I've seen."

Sango smiled sympathetically at her partner. "Yes. I've seen what you've seen. And I can't explain _everything_ that we've experienced. But Miroku, in most cases, the evidence _can_ be explained through non-paranormal and non-supernatural means."

Miroku took slight offense. "On our first case together, you saw that demon. It acted like no other demon has ever acted before. Obviously, aliens were controlling its actions. You saw that implant. You held it in your hands. It was the only proof left after the secret agency sent to debunk my work destroyed all of your other documents and hard evidence."

Sango sighed. "Miroku, you know as well as I do that the 'alien implant' we found in the demon's sinus cavity turned out to be a shard of the Shikon no Tama."

"Exactly!" exploded Miroku. "That jewel is filled with more power and magic than any priestess or monk alive could seal into it. It has to be…" Miroku lowered his voice into an intense whisper, "alien technology."

Sango let the ghost of a smile visit her lips. Miroku's exuberance and passion made his insane leaps of logic almost believable. But that's what she was around for: to either discredit those leaps or to find the evidence to support him. While, as yet, they had been unsuccessful in gathering the necessary evidence that would legitimize his work, they had also put and end to almost all of the illegal demon activity and violence by acting on Miroku's crazy theories and hunches.

Sango shook her head and tried to regain her stern demeanor. A.D. Sesshoumaru was, in all likelihood, preparing to tear both her and Miroku new ones and she didn't want Miroku thinking that all was forgiven. At least not yet. "The sacred jewel: a product of alien technology? Fine. Even though we have _no_ proof of that, I'll let it go for now, just for argument's sake. However, nearly everything else can be logically explained by the most mundane arguments."

Miroku balked for a moment before choking out, "Logically explained? Sango, we've seen absolute proof of time travel!"

Sango smirked. "Miroku," she sighed in a way that was infuriatingly condescending, "You were there when we proved that Kagome's time travel was the result of the magic of the Bone Eater's Well. There was no supernatural activity involved in that whatsoever."

Miroku rose to the challenge. "What about the malevolent cloning experiments?"

"Shippou's kitsune magic," retorted Sango.

"Vampiric activity?" argued Miroku.

"It was a common mosquito demon," Sango shot back.

"Little green men?" asked Miroku, exasperated.

"I'll concede that Jaken is… unusual," answered Sango. "But he's not from another _planet_."

"Fine. But we've seen fully animated zombies," tried Miroku.

"Hey now," warned Sango. "You be nice to Kikyou. She's never done anything to you."

Miroku sighed. "Frogs falling from the sky?"

"Inuyasha's Wind Scar hit a pond," said Sango. She gave Miroku a triumphant look, expecting that the debate was over and that she had emerged the victor.

Miroku again slouched in his chair, pouting over his narrow defeat. However, not a moment had passed before inspiration took hold. A sneaky look settled into his features and a twinkle sparked in his eyes. He would just have to play dirty to win this argument.

Miroku leaned well into Sango's personal space and spoke in a deep, soft whisper that tickled her ear. "Well, I have no theory other than alien mind control to explain how it is that Kuranosuke Frohike and I seem to be the only ones to realize how unbelievably hot you are."

Sango's eyes bugged and she blushed a deep crimson, obviously flummoxed. She turned to Miroku, lips parted in shock, not knowing how to react. She searched his eyes and saw both mischief and evidence of Miroku's perverse inclinations, but she saw no guile or dishonesty in his open consideration of her.

Sango momentarily reeled before she mentally began rushing to control the competing emotions that were fighting for dominance. First, she soothed the sting of betrayal that her partner would stoop to a below-the-belt shot just to win an argument. Then, she stifled the anger that rose at the fact he would say such a thing in the anteroom of their very angry boss's office. She finally did what she could to quell the elation that accompanied his brazen confession. Despite all of her past efforts to despise him for sullying her reputation within the Bureau because she went along with all of his lunatic exploits, she had failed. Sango adored Miroku. Unfortunately, she also knew that they had to finish their work, uncover the truth they had come so close to discovering on so many occasions, before they could act on any of their feelings. But for the moment, she couldn't stop staring into Miroku's eyes and wishing that circumstances were such that it was possible for the two agents to at least have a hot and heavy make out session every once and a while.

Staring back at her just as intently now that all of his cards had been laid on the table, Miroku saw that Sango looked to be deciding whether to kiss him or smack the ever-living daylights out of him. He knew she'd eventually settle on the latter, but he felt a small thrill in that it was taking her so long to make up her mind. He was glad that he was getting under her skin as much as she was getting under his.

Sango never got the opportunity to respond. Sesshoumaru's door banged open with sudden force, startling both agents.

Miroku jumped out of his seat like it had suddenly burned him. "I was drugged!" he announced to the empty doorway.

"Shut up and get your asses in here," growled Sesshoumaru with deadly precision.

Sango and Miroku exchanged worried looks and gathered together whatever bravery they had before entering their boss's office. Both kept their eyes fixed on the Assistant Director's elegant mahogany desk.

Miroku began, "Assistant Director Sesshoumaru, I want to make it clear that all of this was my fault. Sango was only there because I asked her to be."

Touched that Miroku was offering to take the blame for the whole ugly incident, Sango softened her attitude towards her partner and offered her own apology. "Sir, I'm sorry. I asked you to come out there, too, because I thought that if you saw what we've seen, you'd understand our passion for this work. Then, you _couldn't_ shut us down…"

"Enough!" barked Sesshoumaru with force, causing the agents to wince. "Believe it or not, I do understand the need for additional, credible people to witness an unidentified flying object. I understand your need for legitimacy in within the Bureau. But there is just one thing I need to know."

Miroku and Sango stood stiff, still not daring to look up from the A.D.'s desk. Sango's stomach dropped at the question she knew was coming.

Sesshoumaru took a shuddering breath before continuing. "What I need to know, Agent Sango and Agent Miroku, is whether or not you knew that the radioactive activity from this UFO would cause every hair on the body of a full dog demon to fall out!"

Sesshoumaru shifted, drawing the agents' gaze and attention by pointing to his newly bald, shining pate.

Both were too scared of Sesshoumaru's wrath to laugh out loud at the sight that was tearing up their insides with hilarity. However, they would be unable to stop themselves from snickering if forced to speak out loud. So both immediately dropped their glances once again and vehemently shook their heads in answer to his question.

After taking a moment to collect himself, Miroku offered, "We're ready for whatever punishment you see fit to give us, sir."

Sesshoumaru's frown deepened and he stood up straighter. Indicating the phone on his desk, he said, "I've been talking to various witnesses of last night's incident, other powerful men in the Bureau, and my own sources. It appears that yesterday's UFO might have been connected to Naraku and his attendant cloud of demonic energy escaping into some unknown hiding place."

Sango and Miroku both stiffened at the mention of their shared enemy, sobering instantly.

"As you know, I used to work closely with Naraku," said Sesshoumaru. "He wanted nothing more than to shut you two down. Agent Miroku, you and Sango are under direct orders to join up with Agents Inuyasha and Kagome to track down this UFO. If it turns out to be that back-stabbing, cigarette-smoking bastard, you will apprehend him and bring him to _me_." Sesshoumaru rubbed the smooth skin of his newly exposed scalp before adding, "He will be made to pay for this humiliation! Now go."

Realizing that they were temporarily off the hook, Miroku and Sango left the office in a hurry. Both breathed a sigh of relief once in the hallway. Sango pulled out a cell phone and announced that she was calling Kagome in order to arrange a place for the agents to meet before heading out to track down Naraku.

Halfway through her conversation with Special Agent Kagome, Sango noticed Miroku staring at her rather intently for the second time that day. Feeling self-conscious, she ended her conversation with Kagome and stared back at Miroku.

"What?" she finally asked.

"Oh, nothing," Miroku sang, turning on his heel toward the elevator that would take them to their office. "I was just thinking of how good you would look as a redhead."

Sango rolled her eyes, following after her partner. She gave an exasperated sigh, but then smiled.

"Shut up, Miroku."

END.

* * *

A/N 2: The general set-up for this story was liberally borrowed from the _X-Files_ episode "Bad Blood" (which also guest stars the alternately yummy and hilarious Luke Wilson). I also searched my memory for parallel storylines between the two shows and this bizarre fanfiction was the result. I genuinely adore both shows and fandoms, so I apologize to the fans of both for this mutilation. But, in my own defense, this concept amused me too much and I couldn't help but write it down. Thoughts? 


End file.
